Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
did i walk over a car last night?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
