We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
