Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
