Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
