Your mouth is God's brothel.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
