I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
