omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
