I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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