I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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