just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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