We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
