I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
