Jerry, you need to find god
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
