respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
