No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize