There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
