I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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