new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
