I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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