Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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