Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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