thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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