So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize