3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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