An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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