I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
