Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
