Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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