Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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