i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
