hotel room ftw
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
