i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
