im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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