I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
