Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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