um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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