I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
