You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
