I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
