Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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