Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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