My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
