I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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