I could have mohawked her pubes.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
