Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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