i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
