I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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