someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
