your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
