Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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