it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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