at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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