just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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