There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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