I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize