maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
