look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
