i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
